These words from verse 16 sparked a great desire in my heart:
Samuel took his flask of oil and anointed him, with his brothers standing around watching. The Spirit of GOD entered David like a rush of wind, God vitally empowering him for the rest of his life. Samuel left and went home to Ramah.
I stopped reading for a moment and whispered a silent prayer, 'Lord, how I long to have your Spirit fill me like a rush of wind.' I closed my eyes and began to breath deep into my abdomen, wondering what it might feel like to be so full of God's spirit. Briefly, my skin almost tingled to the point that the hair on my arms was standing up, as I imagined how God's energy would radiate through every organ, every cell. An energy that would empower me vitally for the rest of my life. I looked into the glowing, ruddy, face of the young David, so full of hope. I saw how much of himself he had emptied to be so filled by God's Spirit. With the abrupt reality of David's true offering, my vision was gone.
Shaking it off, I reluctantly returned to the pages of my Bible, looking for encouragement. Instead, I found discouragment in the next verse (14-15):
At that very moment the Spirit of GOD left Saul and in its place a black mood sent by GOD settled on him. He was terrified. Saul's advisors said, "This awful tormenting depression from God is making your life miserable."
I don't have to visualize the black mood that was terrifing Saul. It is a daily reality for me. It is black and terrifing. It is tiring. It torments me making my life miserable. And that voice that waits for any opportunity to intervene, was there, twisting the Word, saying 'God has left you. He is responsible for your depression. He is the reason you can't escape the darkness.'
Could it be true that God has left me? Have I turned from Him like Saul did? Wait, I know this. It is an old tape of mine. 'God has seen something evil in me that no one else can see. God knows the real me and finds me lacking. I am unworthy of the good things in life.'
It seems so real because there are elements of truth in it. The truth is that God does know the real me, but the tape leaves out the real truth, nevertheless, He loves me anyway. The problem is I intellectually understand this truth, but in my heart, I haven't been able to let it go.
David was ready at a few drops of oil to be completely opened to God's will and Spirit. Somewhere in the midst of the chemo treatments, I was able to emptied myself and turn my body over to God. I was able to rest in His healing. But just as quick, the tapes began and in losing hope, I was engulfed by the darkness.
I thought I knew what it meant to give myself to Your will. I know that I have recognized that I don't know how to make my body work. But I just can't let go of me yet. I think I need that control. Father, I need you to help me. I long to have your Spirit fill me, but I know for that to be true, I have to empty myself. That terrifies me. Evidently more than the darkness frightens me. Give me the courage to take the training wheels off and step into your Glorious Light.Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright @1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permisssion of NavPress Publishing Group
originally posted on May 30, 2007